By Sandra Bernhardt
I feel I should begin this column with a sincere apology. (It’s the right thing to do.)
Dear readers: I am so sorry that I chose a sneaky title. I’ll bet you hoped this column would be X-rated, didn’t you? Forgive me for disappointing you.
I realize I am risking my life by revealing the actual topic: Spring has sprung — It’s time to get rid of those extra pounds! It’s time to “Take it all off!” Also to recite the pledge promising to be loyal and stick with it.
Men, please don’t think this column is just for the women. You, too, can lose that inner tube hugging your middle. Just imagine tucking that shirt all the way in!
The facts all of you are about to read are based on scientific research. Read and learn.
First off, I admit I despise dieting as much as anyone. I’ve even contemplated parroting Roseanne Barr: “It’s OK to be fat. So you’re fat. Just be fat and shut up about it.”
Not a bad idea, I thought, reaching for a Snickers.
Somewhat similar to Roseanne’s take, Julia Child offered her opinion: “The only time to eat diet food is while you’re waiting for the steak to cook.”
Ignoring Julia, I dumped the remaining Snickers, but I just couldn’t stop weeping. Even worse, my scale moans loudly whenever I step on it. My “weigh-in” tears have created rust around the edges.
Tip #1: Drink at least 48 ounces of water every day. (Unfortunately, all of the diet books agree on that.)
In truth, during this pandemic, each day I’ve managed to get 48 ounces of Margaritas down. But water? On the other hand, I’ve noticed that after just a few Margaritas, I begin to believe that losing 40 pounds is a piece of cake. (Did someone say cake?)
The reason for all of that water? I read that water will make you look better, feel better and will plump you up to create a vibrant appearance. (Like I need a tutorial on “plumping up.”)
By the third day, I could put out a warehouse fire with just the water spouting from my ears.
Sadly, Tip #1 was a bust, but I believed better ones would soon come down the pike.
Remember: Honesty motivates; lying deflates. Case in point: How many of you have your exact weight on your driver’s license? Be honest. I won’t rat on you.
I’ll go first. The day I provided my “honest” weight, the guy at the DMV counter didn’t even look surprised. Thank heaven he didn’t say, “I need the weight of your entire body, Ma’am, not just a leg.”
“This dieting is so darn hard,” I whined to Ralph, after polishing off a pizza with double cheese and sausage.
Confidentially, for years I’ve held the fantasy of running along the ocean in a tube top, smiling, my hair flying in the breeze. Why a tube top? Because it looks hot and it doesn’t require a bra! How great is that?
Keeping the dream alive, on one warm summer day, I impulsively stepped into this cute little boutique. Everyone in there made Taylor Swift look bloated. Undaunted, I asked the clerk, “How do I know if I can go without a bra?”
Curling her lip, she said, “If you can hold a pencil, you’d better stick with a bra. Can you hold a pencil?”
“Would you believe an IBM copier?” I asked. She wasn’t amused.
I know when I’m licked, so I put the tube top fantasy on ice, and returned to the dreaded diet routine.
My goal: Once more, try to hack off those excess 40 pounds. (So far, I’ve “hacked off” just one.)
To begin, I launched into “Fasting: The Ultimate Diet.” It promised to “boost incentive, morale and the ability to recognize the difference between hunger and appetite.” (Aren’t they the same?) Best of all, this diet promises a “swift, dramatic weight loss in everyone.”
Except me.
Two days later, Ralph returned from work and discovered me lying in the fetal position, chewing on a bath towel that was drenched in catsup. He revived me with a Twinkie.
Sophia Loren once said, “Everything you see I owe to Spaghetti.” Because I, too, wanted an hour-glass figure, I ran right out and stocked up on Chef Boyardee. Now everything you see I owe to wishful thinking.
Tips # 2, 3, 4, 5: Stillman. Atkins. South Beach. Mayo Clinic. Choose one. I got nothing.
Note to Readers: Do you want to wear a tube top or tuck your shirt in all the way? Then follow my lead and forget all of those goofy diets. If you really want to “take it all off,” my sage advice really does work for everyone. I promise you’ll find it simple and easy to remember:
Never eat more than you can lift!
For more than 30 years, Fort Atkinson’s Sandra (Sandi) Bernhardt has enjoyed humorous public speaking in Wisconsin and beyond. During her career, she served as a human resources director, as well as a customer service consultant for a healthcare company. Active in the community, Sandy is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater and the mother of three grown sons.
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