Behind My Door: After the diet, What?

By Sandra Bernhardt

I think you already know the answer to “what?” Now, before you reach for that slice of cheesecake, hear me out. 

In my last column, I gave some questionable information on the link between dieting and weight loss. This time you can trust me. I’ve collected amazing ideas that will move you toward your quest for the body you envision. It’s called EXERCISE! For women, it’s the “Path to Beauty.” For men, the “Lane to Lean.”

Does the word “gym” cause you to break out in hives? Me, too. In fact, I suffer unmentionable side effects when I hear the word “trainer.” 

In his book, “The Know-It-All,” author A.J. Jacobs addresses the word gym. He says, “The literal Greek translation is ‘school for naked exercise.’” Jacobs quips, “That makes toweling off the stationary bike even more important.” 

Some years ago, I actually did launch into an exercise routine. It didn’t go well, but I’m not one to give up. My goal: “Work to get into that new four-piece bikini!” So, I fought my way upward. I was incredibly motivated, thanks to my neighbor, Vivian. Gloating, she’d said, “Feel my stomach. It’s hard as a rock!” The battle was on.

Fitness attempt #1: With resolve, I registered for an aerobics class at Purdy Elementary School in Fort Atkinson. The instructor was wonderful and tried her best, but I came away believing that “aerobics” is Latin for “Let’s Pull A Muscle To Music!” Like Judith Viorst, my athletic skills can be summed up in six words: I can float on my back.

After I bombed in aerobics, I bought an exercise magazine. I foolishly thought it would offer some serious encouragement. The articles made exercise look so effortless — until I got to the glossy centerfold. Pictured was a slim, smiling blonde lying on the floor, perfectly balanced, with one leg beautifully stretched above her head. She looked like she was having such a good time, I thought I’d try it. 

Two days later, I was able to sit up and take nourishment.

Silly me, I forgot how encouragement can be gained by having the right exercise outfit. To be successful, one must look the part. After $400, I still looked like a pumpkin, but my wallet had lost a lot of weight.

Fitness attempt #2: I purchased the Jane Fonda Workout tape. She, too, found exercising to music “easier and more fun. It helps carry you through the pain.” I should have picked up a clue there, but undaunted, I kept reading: “There is a natural, healthy pain called ‘the burn’ that comes with major exertion. There is also pain that tells you something is wrong. LISTEN TO YOUR BODY!”

Seventeen minutes and twenty-three seconds later, my body screamed, “THERE’S SOMETHING WRONG!”

I had been burned beyond recognition.

Note to my faithful readers: Don’t be discouraged. More brilliant fitness opportunities coming up.

I wondered if I should exercise with another person, as many people do. I called Linda, an old friend, and invited her to exercise with me. I asked her to choose the sport she preferred. Apparently, I have a death wish, because when Linda suggested tennis, I answered “Okay.” I felt a seizure approaching.

Fitness attempt #3: After donning my new exercise suit, Linda and I went out to hit a few practice balls. I noticed that the best players on the court stored an extra ball inside the elastic of their tennis shorts. To tell the truth, I tried that once, but found that my elastic was already occupied by a leg. Erma Bombeck had the same problem. She said, “ I simply dropped the extra ball down my cleavage, giving me a chest that stunned my opponent throughout the entire set.” 

I don’t want to talk about tennis anymore . . .

Fitness attempt #4: After the tennis caper, I pondered on how I could motivate myself. I decided to write a mantra-type jingle and repeat it 50 times every day: 

 “Summer is a’coming, but my thighs are still too fat; I’ll hop up a Peloton, and soon get rid of that!” It was then I realized we couldn’t afford a Peloton without first selling our house. Therefore, no pudgy persons perched on a Peloton. 

Should you be exhausted from all of your exercise, try massage. You can lie down.

Brain teaser of the day: If body fat is stored energy, why can’t I sprint to Boston?

Note to my faithful readers: Don’t be discouraged. As I have demonstrated, I am on your side!

For more than 30 years, Fort Atkinson’s Sandra (Sandi) Bernhardt has enjoyed humorous public speaking in Wisconsin and beyond. During her career, she served as a human resources director, as well as a customer service consultant for a healthcare company. Active in the community, Sandy is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater and the mother of three grown sons. She is sharing her column, “Behind My Door,” with FortAtkinsonOnline.com readers gratis.