Behind My Door: Christmas … and other conflicts

By Sandra Bernhardt

Christmas is coming! I know this, because at the mall yesterday, I saw two guys fist fighting over a parking spot. It wasn’t pretty.

Then there’s discussion (actually, yelling) on what to give Aunt Elsie. I voted for a new girdle, which she desperately needs.

“There’s way too much overhang,” I said, while my husband pushed for a popular German cookbook. I’m sure he anticipated tasty meals. (I will take that up with him later.)

I won that round and decreed that Aunt Elsie shall, indeed, receive a bright purple house dress (mumu?) decorated with kitchen utensils and a matching apron. Just perfect for a woman who uses “Bar Keeper’s Friend” to scrub her cat.

One year, Johnny Carson, the late popular talk show host, offered his take on gift-giving: “The worst gift is a fruitcake. There is only one fruitcake in the entire world and people keep sending it to each other.”

There’s a story about a little kindergartner who worried that he wouldn’t remember his line in the school Christmas play. “Don’t worry,” his father said. “You’ll be fine. Just gently say: “Here he comes, Jesus Christ.” 

At last, it was time for the young thespian to step up to the edge of the stage and deliver his line:

“Jesus Christ! Here he comes!” 

Limp and pale, the principal was carried out of the room, and a cool cloth was applied to her forehead.

Actually, I’ve never held high expectations when it comes to my gifts on Christmas Eve. Sadly, my boys grew up listening to their grandmother’s admonition: “When you grow up, don’t you dare waste your money on foolish things! Give gifts that are useful and will last for years!”

My mind flashed back to last Christmas when my husband went crazy and presented me with a huge crockpot and a “useful” ironing board. (Like that will cause me to cheerfully dive into pressing his gym shorts while singing “Joy to the world!” I am confident the useful ironing board will not only “last a long time,” but will orbit the earth for at least a century.)

I’m sure it runs in the family. Ralph grew up watching his mother launch into the “Hallelujah Chorus” over a vacuum cleaner.

“It is 5:30 pm. I have just 40 minutes to force three sons into the shower, bake Christmas cookies, decorate the tree and shop for black hose and an ample purple dress with spatulas and skillets scattered across the chest.”

So, did I make it? Only if you consider attending a holiday open house wearing my pea-green puffer jacket with an attention-grabbing red bow attached to my bangs with bobby pins.

I don’t know who said it, but it fits the occasion: “We, the willing, led by the unknowing, are doing the impossible for the ungrateful. We have done so much with so little for so long, we are now qualified to do anything with nothing.”

Personally, I think the title for that should be “In praise of women.”

Here’s a fun fact: Henry VIII’s chef baked a Christmas plum pie which used 2 bushels of flour, 24 pounds of butter and 8 varieties of meat. It weighed 165 pounds, was 9 feet long, and had to be wheeled to the table on a cart.

When he heard that, my oldest son, Steve, said with a huge grin, “Mom, it’s the opposite here. When YOU bake pie, WE have to be wheeled FROM the table on a cart.” He’s a real comedian.

Hardly a jolly old elf, Scrooge said: “What’s Christmas to you but a time for paying bills without money. A time for finding yourself a year older and not an hour richer. If I had my will, every idiot who goes around with Merry Christmas on his lips should be boiled in his own pudding and buried with a stake of holly through his chest!”

Too bad Scrooge was so bitter. Apparently, he didn’t know that even if the carpet needs sweeping, the dog needs a bath, the children need a bath even more, there are no chestnuts roasting on the fire and the Christmas cake is burned, inevitably Christmas will come and we will not be bitter. We will have “MERRY CHRISTMAS!” on our lips.

My wish for you, dear readers, is that you and your families enjoy the holiday celebration and that someone — anyone — helps you undecorate the tree.  Now, THERE’S A GIFT! 

For more than 30 years, Fort Atkinson’s Sandra (Sandi) Bernhardt has enjoyed humorous public speaking in Wisconsin and beyond. During her career, she served as a human resources director, as well as a customer service consultant for a healthcare company. Active in the community, Sandy is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater and the mother of three grown sons.