Behind My Door: Oh, Mother!

By Sandra Bernhardt

May is the time of year when spouses and offspring — particularly the older ones — wring their hands and mutter “Oh, Mother! What should I give her for Mothers Day?”  For little kids, it’s easy. They simply remove crayons from under the sofa cushions and draw a picture with the words “I love you, Mommy.”

After four hours at the computer, I discovered some possible gift ideas.  I’m hoping these suggestions will help my faithful readers and also reveal something I would like to receive. I need to drop a hint at home. Soon!

It seems like every year mothers get ugly socks or makeup kits that transforms them into the Wild Witch of the West. That’s just not fair for a mother who picks up your crap every day and has loved you through thick and thin. Seeking revenge, one evening my mother served ground Spam garnished with stewed prunes and chick peas. (On Mother’s Day, I try not to think about that.)

So, along with my candid feedback, here’s the list. Good luck!

FOR THE MOTHER WHO LOVES MOVIE NIGHT:  How about a “Solid, chunky cable knit throw”? ($30,Target.) My question: What woman wants to hear the words “solid” and “chunky” on Mother’s Day?

FOR THE MOTHER WHO LOVES TO DEEP-CLEAN:   Frankly, these mothers should be sent to the “home.” This gift is a scrubber that’s great for removing spots from carpets. (Bissell, $108.) It may be a functional gift, but if my family dares to give that to me, I guarantee there WILL be functional stains on my carpet—red ones.

FOR THE MOTHER WHO LOVES TO STAY ACTIVE: (Refer to “picking up crap.”) Relieved that your anxiety and stomach cramps are finally receding, joyfully wrap up a pair of “New Balance Knit Sneakers.” ($85, New Balance) I see these as an appropriate gift for the world’s 47 dysfunctional moms who would rather jog than eat. I’d test these shoes for comfort if they would walk me to the market for a Snickers with a donut chaser. By the way, what kind of obsessive/compulsive individual knits sneakers?

FOR THE MOTHER WHO LOVES BAKING: You’ll know I’m not in this category when I tell you I have a magnet on my refrigerator that reads: “Martha Stewart Doesn’t Live Here, and It’s a Good Thing.”  One year, we had a party for my son’s birthday and I ended up in the “Guinness Book of World Records.”  I was the only mother on the planet to make a ½ inch high angel food cake. Now, if you can muster up the courage, buy your Mom the “William Sonoma DIY Focaccia Art Kit.” ($30.) Please her with a fun challenge! First, she’ll bake the tasty Focaccia Bread, then paint pretty spring flowers on it. But If your mother is like me, you might want to skip this one. Sadly, like mine, her floral designs may resemble the black Philodendrons hanging in my kitchen.

FOR THE MOTHER WHO NEEDS PEACE AND QUIET:  What mother doesn’t need THAT?  Perhaps you could buy her a set of noise-cancelling Apple Air Pods.( $190) Can you believe I wouldn’t recommend these, either? If they prove to be a disappointment, it will make mother cry. In my case, if I’m given them and also are denied the promised “peace and quiet,” I won’t be crying. I’ll be calling the Suicide Help Line. 

FOR THE MOTHER WHO LOVES TO GROW THINGS:  Next, consider the “Modern Sprout Garden Jar Herb Kit.” ($48.) That may be just the answer!  On the other hand, if your mother lacks a green thumb, she may feel like a failure. This gift’s not for me, either. The only things that willingly grow in my house are chin hairs and mold.

FOR THE MOTHER WHO LOVES TO LOUNGE:  Oh, Mother!  Finally! Good things really DO come to those who wait! For a million other mothers and also for me, this thrilling Mother’s Day set includes an attractive tank top with spaghetti straps and a matching fuzzy, comfy pair of pajama pants. ($51,Target.)  At last, something I really want!  

I feel a hint coming on . . .

For more than 30 years, Fort Atkinson’s Sandra (Sandi) Bernhardt has enjoyed humorous public speaking in Wisconsin and beyond. During her career, she served as a human resources director, as well as a customer service consultant for a healthcare company. Active in the community, Sandy is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater and the mother of three grown sons.