Behind My Door: Step aside, Martha Stewart! (Part one)

By Sandi Bernhardt 

I’ll begin this column with a true confession: I cannot cook! It’s not that I haven’t tried, but I haven’t killed anyone, either. 

To prove it, I’ll refer to the towel hanging on the front of my stove, which hopefully, will put any dinner guests at ease. It reads: “The last time I cooked, hardly anyone got sick.” 

So there you go. Admittedly, if there’s a time I have to hide “Behind My Door,” it’s when I am faced with a culinary challenge. (Sadly, that’s three times a day.)  

To the men: If you are a husband who really is a chef and faithfully watches the Martha Stewart show, get lost. It’s just too gut-wrenching for me.

Truthfully, every time I hear a woman brag that she created a Baked Alaska “in only 10 minutes,” I resolve to stop hanging out in coffee shops where women sit around exchanging recipes. Here’s a sample:  “Believe me, Eunice, my  Harry said, “Eating your incredible lasagna is like dying and going to heaven!”   

Now I know where I’m going.

Hopefully, you’ll agree it’s clever that I never attempt any dish that has more than three ingredients. (Lasagna has 19.)  In the first place, using a small number of ingredients saves me money, shopping time and ridicule when I dish it up. I forgot to mention laughter.

In an effort to “stretch myself,” I decided to forge ahead and make the dreaded Baked Alaska. In one cookbook, it’s named “The dessert of mystery and beauty.” I have another name for it  (I’ll share it with you when the kids go to bed). But I refuse to be upstaged by Eunice. I rallied on.

Although the inside of my baking supply cupboard looked like a wrestling match, I did manage to locate what I needed for this culinary challenge.  

In addition, I worried that a friend might stop in for a cup of coffee. In that instance, I knew exactly what would happen: Once she got her shock under control, her eyes would lock onto the white ice cream and meringue splotches spread across my nose and blue apron. In that moment, I’d rack my brain to say something that would distract her. Perhaps I could smile and say, “I see you like my apron, huh? It’s artsy and was designed by Dennis Basso. It cost me a fortune!” That might do it.

I’m convinced that an apron always completes the image of a real chef. I am chagrined that all of my in-laws — both female and male — also are great chef-types, so why didn’t Ralph warn me? Too late now, but I might have found another Prince Charming out there who preferred bad, tasteless food. 

Right after our wedding, I visited my Aunt LaVerne. Our conversation had barely begun when she had the audacity to ask, “Sandi, have you ever made Hasenpfeffer? I heard that Ralph likes to hunt and occasionally he would bring a rabbit home to his mother. It’s very tasty.  You should try it.” I fervently prayed that he would never bring me one of those. 

He did. Apparently, no one upstairs was listening.

One afternoon, after my nap, I slogged around the house looking for my only cookbook (probably from Aunt LaVerne) and discovered that I had stashed it under the bathroom sink behind a pile of washrags. It should come as no surprise that the cookbook still sported an unbroken binder and snow-white pages. To make it look used, I pitched it out the back door where it landed on the seat of an old patio chair. It took a few days, but eventually it looked brown, weathered and begging to be replaced. (Like that’ll happen.)

So, dear readers, that’s the end of “Step Aside, Martha Stewart!” Part One.  If you have the stomach for it (pardon the pun), I hope you’ll come back in two weeks for Part Two. Don’t miss it — I’m in need of friends who thrive on fast food!

PS.  By the way, forget Hasenpfeffer. It has 10 ingredients.

For more than 30 years, Fort Atkinson’s Sandra (Sandi) Bernhardt has enjoyed humorous public speaking in Wisconsin and beyond. During her career, she served as a human resources director, as well as a customer service consultant for a healthcare company. Active in the community, Sandy is a graduate of the University of Wisconsin-Whitewater and the mother of three grown sons. She is sharing her column, “Behind My Door,” with FortAtkinsonOnline.com readers gratis.